


lock the doors and close the blinds

by magicsoul (cherishiskisa)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Assassination Attempt(s), Explicit Sexual Content, False Identity, Fun, Humor, Inspired by SNL, Jokes, M/M, Mischief, SpongeBob SquarePants References, commissioned!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:33:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27222025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherishiskisa/pseuds/magicsoul
Summary: So he’s cute, shy, polite,andhe has a balanced diet,Minhyuk thinks to himself.What’s the catch?
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Lee Minhyuk & Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 34
Kudos: 122





	lock the doors and close the blinds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deadlylampshades](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlylampshades/gifts).



> WELCOME TO THE SILLYZONE. ayesha minhyukwithagun, ao3's largest brain and my treasured friend, commissioned me to write this, and boy oh boy did i love it. before you read, i invite you to watch [the snl sketch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_n_wrftIYM) upon which this fic is VERY heavily based, but it's not strictly required!! i've never written hyunghyuk before but im very honored that ayesha trusted me with this and i hope i did them justice!!!! >:3
> 
>  **content warnings: undernegotiated kink (breathplay/choking) for comedic effect, guns also for comedic effect.** this is a very silly fic but do be wary if that sort of thing upsets you! there is however no actual violence in this fic. also please ignore plot holes and inconsistencies, i am just here to have fun and be silly!!!! 
> 
> i very sincerely hope you enjoy!!!! title from i can't decide by scissors sisters.

“I have to leave work early today,” Minhyuk declares. “I have a _date.”_

Kihyun only looks up from his computer to frown. “A date? _You?_ No.”

“Pray tell, why not?”

“Nobody would ever voluntarily go on a date with you. He’s definitely got some kind of ulterior motive,” Kihyun explains.

Minhyuk rolls his eyes, undeterred, and scrolls through the scant few messages that he’s gotten from Wonhyung today with a wistful sigh. “Well, you noxious little pessimist, I don’t know about _that,_ but I _do_ know that he’s very sweet and very shy. Like—” He has to cut himself off to coo adoringly, then resumes a moment later: “He asked me to tell as few people as possible about our date, because he’s so shy, and it’ll make him nervous if lots of people are expecting it to go well!”

Kihyun snorts an unattractive laugh. “And yet you’re telling me?” Minhyuk just stares at him blankly, completely not understanding the question, until Kihyun sighs and gives up. “Well, if you’re sure you wanna go, it’s your funeral. Tell Hui yourself, I refuse to be your messenger.”

Minhyuk whines at him but to no avail, and two minutes later, he knocks on the door of Hui’s office and lets himself in without waiting for a response. “Hey, bossman,” he hums, jokingly saluting him. “I have to leave early today. Kihyun already said he’d cover my work for me, but I _am_ sorry for the short notice.”

Hui had jolted slightly when Minhyuk came in, and doesn’t seem to relax much when he sees that it’s him. “Fine,” he says shortly, then resumes squinting at the stack of papers spread out over the desk.

Minhyuk had been expecting more pushback. “I have an appointment,” he offers needlessly, but leaves out that it’s a _dick_ appointment. “Would you like me to come in early tomorrow to make up for it? Because I can come in early! And make up for the work I’ve missed! Or I can work from home in the evening, or I can come in early tomorrow, and make up for the—”

“I don’t care,” Hui bites out, pinching the bridge of his nose. Minhyuk gloats internally: his patent-pending strategy of annoying someone into submission works every damn time.

“Okay, thanks, boss,” Minhyuk chirps. “I like your new painting, by the way.”

“I’m _working,_ Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk pouts artificially. “Okay, okay, I’m going. See you tomorrow!”

“Sure,” Hui mutters, and Minhyuk lets himself right back out. It really had been a nice painting; Hui has great taste when it comes to interior décor, their whole office looks good. Minhyuk wouldn’t work in an ugly office, so it’s turned out great for him. Plus, since he hadn’t specified when “early” was, he goes straight back to his desk to pack up his bag and start heading out.

“He told me to tell you that you have to cover for me,” he informs Kihyun, who shoots daggers at him with his eyes in response — but Minhyuk is great at dodging, and he’s out of the office unscathed and in an Uber home just minutes later. He has a date to prepare for!

However, Wonhyung, bless his sweet little heart, throws a wrench into the works midway through Minhyuk picking his outfit. Minhyuk had just texted him to confirm the restaurant they’re set to meet at, but Wonhyung was slow to text back even though he’d read it right away, and when he does respond, all he says is _Sure… —_ obviously not the kind of effusive response Minhyuk had been looking for.

 _well if u dOnt want to thats fine too!!!!!!_ Minhyuk texts back, meanwhile looping and un-looping his most erotic scarf. He knows a flake risk when he sees one, and he won’t let Wonhyung flake on him, no matter what. Wonhyung, again, reads the message but doesn’t reply, so Minhyuk takes in a breath and breaks out the big guns: _if u would rather just come over & we can eat here!!! _😺

 _Sounds good,_ Wonhyung texts back right away.

Minhyuk outright squeals as he sends him his address. Dick appointment locked down! Except Wonhyung is now due to come over in two hours, which is only barely long enough for Minhyuk to clean up around here. (By “clean up,” naturally he means “toss a throw blanket over the worst of the mess and call it a day.”) (Also washing every inch of his body in anticipation of lovemaking, but he was going to have to do that anyway.) Wonhyung is so cute, Minhyuk thinks wistfully as he haphazardly shoves shirts and magazines into random cupboards. Exactly Minhyuk’s type. The kind of guy who never goes for Minhyuk first, but this one kind of had — when Minhyuk had swiped right on him, it had immediately shown up as a match (thank fuck, because Minhyuk had already wasted his Super Like of the day on a Jesse Rutherford catfish). One thing led to another, and now there’s — Minhyuk checks the time — only half an hour until Wonhyung comes over. Fuck, that’s barely enough time to dry his hair properly! And he hasn’t even started _thinking_ about cooking. Luckily, he lives on the floor right above a passable Thai place, so cordless hairdryer in one hand, wallet in the other, he scurries downstairs, orders enough food for 1.5, and returns upstairs with a perfect blowout and barely five minutes to spare. He’s done this before, and as such he knows exactly what to do. A little kitchen magic, pots and pans strewn all over the place, and by the time he hears the hesitant knock on his door, it looks for all the world as though he’s been slaving in the kitchen for hours to pull their dinner together. He takes a minute to glance over his apartment and confirm there’s nothing that’ll make him seem anything but whimsical, then goes over to open the door, wearing his absolute toothiest smile.

He’s even cuter in person! Minhyuk, remembering at the last second that Wonhyung is shy, _doesn’t_ launch himself to fling his arms around his neck, but it’s a near thing. “Hi,” he croons, leaning in the doorway and beaming thousand-watt bright up at him. “Wonhyung, I presume?”

Wonhyung fidgets for a second, then holds out a small, ragged bouquet of pink flowers to Minhyuk. “Hi. Yeah, that’s me. These are for you.”

“For me?” Minhyuk gasps, taking the bouquet and bringing it up to his face for a sniff. The flowers smell very faintly of apricots, and Minhyuk loves them. “They’re beautiful, thank you! Come in, come in! You’re just in time, I just finished cooking.”

“Oh. You didn’t have to cook,” Wonhyung says, awkwardly shuffling out of his shoes.

Minhyuk wrinkles his nose. “Whaaaaat? Of course I did, silly. We’re having dinner, aren’t we?” he hums, closing the door behind Wonhyung. “Mmm, I love your trench coat.” He steps closer to help Wonhyung take it off, but Wonhyung flinches at the proximity, and Minhyuk, forcing himself once again to slow his otherwise hyper-speed roll, backs off so he doesn’t make him uncomfortable. “Anyway, I made Thai! I hope that’s okay. It’s just a little something I threw together when you said you didn’t want to go out,” he says modestly, gesturing to the elaborate table setting and five different gorgeous dishes.

“Looks great,” Wonhyung says, blinking with his heavy, sleepy-looking eyelids.

He’s so cute! Minhyuk loves his men tall, dark, and silent. “Why don’t you go have a seat, and I’ll put these in a vase,” he suggests. “Do you want a drink? I have wine, wine, and… wine.”

“I’ll take the wine,” Wonhyung says. Minhyuk looks at him quickly to see if he’s joking, but his face is totally impassive, and Minhyuk stifles another adoring sigh. Wonhyung looks right at home in Minhyuk’s apartment, but then again, any stylish young man would. It may just be a mere 1,500-square-foot studio, but Minhyuk has done great things with it! Minhyuk admires him for another moment, then busies himself with putting the flowers in a vase he “borrowed” from Kihyun’s housewarming party and getting out some suitable wine. Red for romance and sex appeal, or white for classiness and charm? The answer, unquestionably, is red.

Somehow managing to balance the flowers, wine glasses, and wine bottle in his arms, Minhyuk totters back over to the table and starts setting everything down. “How was your day?” he asks adorably.

“Pretty uneventful,” Wonhyung answers, sitting somewhat stiffly and watching with those sleepy eyes as Minhyuk pours them both a glass. “How about you?”

Squee! He cares! “Ugh, same, until right now,” Minhyuk smiles, sitting down and chinhandsing at Wonhyung, stars in his eyes. “I’m so happy we’re doing this. I’ve really loved messaging with you over the past week, I wanted to meet you so bad. To be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve dated anyone, because I’ve been really busy with work — I’m an investment banker, can you believe it? Please say no.” He bats his eyelashes.

Wonhyung gives him a slow once-over. “No.”

“Ooh, you flatter me,” Minhyuk giggles and starts depositing various spoonfuls of various dishes on Wonhyung’s plate at random without bothering to ask him what he’d like. “So yeah, I’m really busy with work, even though I don’t even like my job, but I’m really good at it, so. Like, actually, right now I’m in the process of helping my firm save a ton of money because we’ve been working with this one client who’s a _total_ drain, and I went through our files and found some discrepancies and brought it up with my boss, and he’s kind of a control freak— Virgo, you know— but he was open to untangling it and seeing where it goes, so that’s great! I might even get a raise!”

“Wow,” Wonhyung says, staring down at his plate. “You sure do talk a lot.”

“Thanks,” Minhyuk beams, seeing that for the sincere compliment it is, and picks up his wine glass. “Well? Here’s to us!”

“Here’s to tonight,” Wonhyung replies more quietly, clinking his glass against Minhyuk’s, and it’s so forward and overt compared to the subtle way he’s been flirting so far that Minhyuk blushes into his first sip.

“Eat up before it gets cold,” Minhyuk says, twirling his chopsticks around his fingers.

Wonhyung nods, taking a very hesitant chop-full of cashew chicken. “You know,” he says, nodding to the flowers in the vase, “it’s funny that you made Thai food. In Thailand, those flowers are used as a kind of fresh seasoning in a lot of dishes. Apparently, it really adds to the flavors, and makes everything taste a thousand times better.”

It’s the longest string of phrases Minhyuk has ever heard him say, and he’s thrilled at the sound of his congested little voice. “Ooh, really? That’s so cool,” he says, sticking a leg out to bump their ankles together under the table. “I’d love to try it, but I don’t eat pink food, I’m sorry! Would you like some, though?”

Wonhyung shakes his head. “Allergic,” he says after a moment.

“Poor thing,” Minhyuk coos, his ankle pressing more insistently against Wonhyung’s. He sips his wine again, not looking away from Wonhyung, and tilts his head coquettishly to the side. “Sorry for being blunt, but you seem really nervous. Are you nervous?”

Wonhyung, seemingly startled out of his nervous stupor, looks up at Minhyuk more sharply and directly. After a moment of them staring at each other, he squints a little and says, “Yes,” but like he’s nervous even about admitting it.

Minhyuk’s heart goes out to him, but he lowkey wishes his body were going out to him instead. “You have nothing to be nervous about,” he assures him, reaching across the table to touch Wonhyung’s hand, but slowly, so he doesn’t startle him. “This is going great. You’re _so_ cute. Is there anything I can do to make you less nervous? Just imagine me in my underwear!”

“Oh, no,” Wonhyung says, one eyebrow quirking up. “You’re hot.”

Minhyuk has literally never been more sexually attracted to anyone in his life. His eyes flash and he stands up, stalking around the side of the table. “Push your chair back,” he tells Wonhyung, and Wonhyung, wearing a newly wry expression, does so. Minhyuk, of course, gets into his lap and winds his arms around his shoulders, then leans down for a passionate lip-lock.

Not so shy or nervous anymore, Wonhyung kisses back right away. His lips are plush and cool, and Minhyuk sucks on them like a delicious candy. This is _much_ better than making small talk; Minhyuk is very glad they’re on the same page. Minhyuk slips him some tongue and twines his fingers in Wonhyung’s hair, then figures it’s time to get a little cheeky and rolls his hips down, too. “Ooh la la,” he smirks immediately. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Wonhyung’s plush lips curve into a smile against Minhyuk’s. “I’ve been looking forward to this, too,” he answers in a breathy murmur, and Minhyuk shivers in delight and kisses him one more time before slipping out of his lap and down to the floor, to his knees.

“Oh, Wonhyung,” he sighs, nuzzling his face at the bulge between Wonhyung’s legs, and above him, Wonhyung shudders. So Minhyuk repeats the action, giving him warmth and heat through the fabric of his pants, while he works on undoing the button. Underneath, Wonhyung is filling out fast, and he’s not small — typical, for a guy of his height and skinniness. Exactly why Minhyuk had swiped right, among many other reasons. And he’s wearing fancy boxer-briefs, silky and a lovely dark teal, and his name is embroidered on the waistband, which shouldn’t be as hot as it is. Minhyuk runs his fingers over it admiringly before moving to pull the waistband down, but then his brain screeches to a halt. “Wait. _Hyungwon?”_

“Um,” Wonhyung-Hyungwon says, squirming a little. “I, uh. Yeah. That’s my… real name. Sorry. I put it in backwards on Tinder because I’m…”

“Shy,” Minhyuk breathes adoringly, completing his thought. Meh, he’s had app hookups do worse by way of identity fraud. “God, you’re _so_ yummy. Fuck my throat if you want!” And he pulls Hyungwon’s boxer-briefs down the rest of the way and sucks his dick into his mouth.

Hyungwon groans and puts his hand in Minhyuk’s hair, not pulling or shoving, although he could, and Minhyuk swallows around him tight and wet. He’s better with his tongue than with his lips, so he’s pulling off to just kitten-lap at the head and look up at Hyungwon through his eyelashes. For the first time, Hyungwon’s cheeks are a little bit flushed with color, and his already-heavy eyes look even heavier. Minhyuk, thrilled with his progress, pumps the bottom half of his cock with his hand while just laving over the crown with his tongue, and he’s rewarded by another breathy noise from up above. Now Hyungwon is much less shy, much less nervous, and Minhyuk feels empowered to continue throwing neck, coaxing pleasure out of him with his mouth and hands and the coy way he keeps making eyes up at him.

It’s a nice way to pass the time. Minhyuk wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t done this for a while; beyond dating, even finding a free minute for a hook-up has been hard. Untangling all the mysteries in the firm’s files is like a full-time job on top of his pre-existing full-time job, but he doesn’t want to think about accounting right now, not while Hyungwon is panting above him and rolling his hips to fuck deeper into Minhyuk’s mouth. That’s one of the reasons Minhyuk likes guys like him so much — their stoicism is always fun to unravel, and it’s very rewarding. And Minhyuk loves rewards. He lets his jaw go slack so he can take him all the way down, then suck him up, stroking what’s not immediately in his mouth, and keeps things fresh by flicking his tongue at the sensitive spot under the head rather than giving even pressure all-over. Hyungwon seems to like that a lot, along with everything else Minhyuk is doing, petting through Minhyuk’s hair encouragingly even as he does finally start to fuck his throat more properly, and Minhyuk is having an absolutely lovely time. Take that, Kihyun! Even if Hyungwon had had the ulterior motive of only coming over for sex, it’s not like that’s _not_ what Minhyuk had wanted. Maybe once he’s orgasmed, he’ll be a much better conversationalist — that’s certainly the case for Minhyuk, even though of course there are no problems with his conversational skills.

He redoubles his efforts, sensing that Hyungwon is probably on the way to close. His mouth and his hand make a great team, and Hyungwon’s dick is like the cheerleader, responding enthusiastically to everything Minhyuk does. Cute. Minhyuk feels powerful and desired, a little mischievous and silly, and when Hyungwon begins to twitch in a more erratic way, he pulls off, sits back, and tilts his head up. “All yours,” he murmurs, closing his eyes so cum doesn’t get in them, and Hyungwon says, “ _Fuck,”_ and comes across the lower half of Minhyuk’s face.

 _So he’s cute, shy, polite,_ and _he has a balanced diet,_ Minhyuk thinks to himself as he licks his lips. _What’s the catch?_ Smug as the cat that got the cream, literally, he opens his eyes again and grins up at Hyungwon. “Better?”

“Much,” Hyungwon agrees, a little out of breath.

Minhyuk cheekily dusts his hands off, job well done, and stands up, then plucks a napkin from the table to elegantly daub his face clean. “As for me,” he says, considering his semi, “after dinner you can fuck me. Sound fair?”

“You cut a hell of a bargain,” Hyungwon says, fixing his pants back up and looking at Minhyuk with a renewed level of interest and admiration. Minhyuk just winks, then swooshes back over to his own chair and takes a sip of wine to erotically stain his lips red. Hyungwon still seems a little shell-shocked, which makes Minhyuk feel great about his oral skills — or maybe that’s just Hyungwon’s resting face. Either way, it’s attractive. Hyungwon clears his throat, also takes a sip of his wine, and says, “So… you said you were an investment banker?”

“Ugh, it’s so _boring,”_ Minhyuk groans. The food has gone super cold, and he pokes at his pad see ew with one chopstick and watches the noodles jiggle. “I majored in econ, which is dumb because I’ve never liked it, but I’m good at math, if you can believe it, so it was the natural thing to do, you know? I’m great at seeing patterns, which is what makes me good at my job, but it _sucks._ And my boss is really hard to please. Actually, it’s weird, we used to get along great, but then kinda recently, he’s been super cold with me? But maybe he’s been super cold with everyone and I just haven’t noticed. But my best friend also works with me— oh my gosh, you have to meet him soon, okay? You guys will get along great— and Hui— that’s our boss, we call him Huey sometimes but he hates it— and _he’s_ too intimidated by Hui to ever talk to him, but I think everyone who works together should be at least _cordial_ with each other. That’s not crazy, right? Like, yes, I’m the subordinate, but we have a lot in common! Anyway, it’s like lately, all he’s wanted to do is work, not even ask me how I’m doing. And _I_ ask _him_ how _he’s_ doing every day! But then he’s all, oh, Minhyuk, don’t you have to be stupid somewhere else? Well, he didn’t _really_ say that, but that’s how it came across. So rude, right? Like how could anyone hate _me?”_

“No idea,” Hyungwon says, gets up, and comes over to haul Minhyuk up out of his chair by the front of his shirt. “Let’s skip dinner.”

“Oh,” Minhyuk says happily and allows himself to be hauled. “Okay!”

Hyungwon kisses him hard, harder than he had before, and starts walking him over to Minhyuk’s bed. How very saucy. Plus, he’s touching him this time, groping his ass and his waist, and Minhyuk moans into his mouth, then giggles when he feels his legs hit the side of the bed. “There’s lube and condoms on the nightstand,” he tells him between kisses. “I planned ahead. Call it wishful thinking, but why else would you want to have dinner at my apartment on our first date? Told you, I’m good at seeing patterns.”

“Great,” Hyungwon says and kisses Minhyuk even harder. Now, if Minhyuk weren’t so sure that Hyungwon was equally into him, he might almost suspect Hyungwon was kissing him like that to shut him up. But Hyungwon is now laying Minhyuk back on the bed, pulling one of Minhyuk’s legs up so they can fit together better, and Minhyuk is just so, so happy.

“That feels good. I’ve really missed intimacy,” Minhyuk sighs a few minutes later as Hyungwon uses his long, deft, bony fingers to open him up. “You know, it can be so hard to find the right guy, you know? But we really have chemistry. I feel like I can tell you anything. And it’s been a while since I’ve felt that kind of connection! Work just makes it so hard to take any time for myself. Isn’t it dumb that I don’t even care about the work but I still worry about it? Maybe I’m just too caring, so— _oh_ — oh, that feels so fucking good—” Hyungwon starts doing something that makes Minhyuk utterly unable to speak, evidently knowing exactly how to hit his prostate, and Minhyuk is practically a purring puddle of goo by the time Hyungwon is flipping him over onto his front and carefully tearing open the condom pack to roll one on.

“You have a big mouth,” Hyungwon comments right in Minhyuk’s ear, lining himself up and starting, exquisitely slowly, to push inside. “Aren’t you worried it’s gonna get you in trouble someday?”

“Mmm, how could it?” Minhyuk gasps, his fingers curling in the sheets. “I can talk my way out of anything.”

Hyungwon’s laugh is soft, but his dick is hard inside Minhyuk and _long,_ taking forever to bottom out, but it’s so good when he does. Minhyuk had maybe expected him to be shy here, too, and maybe gentle, but Hyungwon is anything but, immediately starting to fuck him at a fairly intense pace. All Minhyuk does is win, seriously. His eyes roll back and he moans into the edge of his pillow, heat surging through him from the feeling, from the way Hyungwon is handling him. God, is Minhyuk going to _cry?_ He just feels amazing, cherished and objectified all at once, and he’s pretty much no thoughts head empty, except— “Kihyun was so wrong,” he sighs.

“What?” Hyungwon pants.

“My friend. Kihyun, he—” Very unsexy topic to talk about in bed, but Hyungwon had asked, so now Minhyuk has to explain, after taking a few seconds to moan and catch his breath. “He said there was no way this would go well, but he was _so_ wrong, see? Fuck, Hyungwon, don’t stop.”

Even though Minhyuk had _specifically_ asked him not to stop, Hyungwon starts to slow down. “You told someone about us?”

Minhyuk, sensing that this could be a problem, whines pathetically and arches his back to try and tempt Hyungwon into fucking him fast again. “Well— only _Kihyun._ He barely counts as a human being. He’s just black coffee and Catholic guilt. And he’s not even Catholic! I think. Sorry, I’m sorry, I know you said you didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I tell him everything, so— but he wouldn’t tell anyone else, I promise.”

“I’m supposed to just take your word for that?” Hyungwon says, but he sounds almost amused, and he resumes fucking Minhyuk hard, thank God. Now his hand is on the back of Minhyuk’s neck, pushing him down more into the bed, and it’s a little bit hard to breathe due to the facefull of pillow, but it’s not that bad. He’s way stronger than he looks — Minhyuk loves it, squirming slightly under the tight hold and somehow managing to get a hand between himself and the bed so he can jerk off while Hyungwon fucks him.

Usually, Minhyuk likes being a pillow princess just fine, but tonight he wants to show off. So he squirms with intent this time, managing to turn his head just enough to say, “Can I ride you?”

Hyungwon slows his thrusts to a halt and, gradually, also eases up on the pressure. “What the hell, why not,” he says, and helps Minhyuk maneuver. Minhyuk wraps his arms around his shoulders once they’re settled and starts bouncing on his dick posthaste. Hyungwon, whom Minhyuk has gotten to know in the short hour of their acquaintance as kind of a languid and cold-blooded creature, is looking more alive, more awake, like his true freaky self is finally peeking out from behind the curtain. It suits him, and Minhyuk leans in for a kiss, and since Hyungwon has been obviously eyeing his neck, lets Hyungwon mouth at him there. He doesn’t seem to want to leave a hickey, though, which is mildly disappointing, but he’s so perfect otherwise that Minhyuk doesn’t even mind.

Then Hyungwon puts his hand on Minhyuk’s neck, a light squeeze right under his chin, and Minhyuk shudders out an aroused breath, but pulls back just enough to look at him. “You know,” he says, his voice slightly strained but his hips still rolling, “it’s good etiquette to _ask_ someone before you break out the breathplay.”

“Oh,” Hyungwon says. He doesn’t loosen his hand, but at least looks slightly chastened. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I’m into it,” Minhyuk reassures him with a giggle, letting go of his shoulders with one hand so he can circle his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist. “For the record, my safeword is ‘Alaskan bull worm.’”

“Okay,” Hyungwon says.

“Don’t you want to know how I came up with it?” Minhyuk presses.

“Not really,” Hyungwon says, but before Minhyuk can say that’s okay, he’ll tell him later, Hyungwon lets go of his neck and slides his hand up to push his fingers into Minhyuk’s mouth, which Minhyuk likes very much indeed. He moans around them, closes his eyes, and loses himself in the feeling, in the way he can tell Hyungwon is watching him, and since he’s showing off, it only takes a few more expertly-aimed rolls of his and Hyungwon’s hips together before he’s doing his favorite party trick and coming untouched. After that, Hyungwon does pull his fingers out, and Minhyuk hums contentedly, warm pleasure buzzing through every inch of him, then leans in to kiss and nibble at his cute ears while continuing to ride Hyungwon until, another minute later, Hyungwon tenses up and comes, presumably, too.

Minhyuk feels immensely pleased with how the night has gone. He kisses Hyungwon soundly, then slips off of him and collapses in a pleased little heap by his side. “That was amazing,” he sighs. “I needed that, wow.”

“I think you need a lot of things,” Hyungwon says.

Aww, so tender! Minhyuk rolls back slightly to look up at him with heart eyes. “Yeah, I do. That doesn’t intimidate you?”

“Definitely not,” Hyungwon says, sliding down slightly so he can lie down next to Minhyuk more fully. He puts his arm around him and Minhyuk purrs, squirming in to cuddle close and nuzzle a kiss to his collarbone. But Hyungwon is restless, seemingly not one for post-fuck spooning, and Minhyuk takes mercy on him, considering what a good lay that had been.

“Will you go get us the wine?” he requests sweetly, kissing him again and beginning to untangle his limbs from around him so Hyungwon can go.

Hyungwon exhales a small breath. “Sure,” he says and gets up, then pulls his boxer-briefs and shirt back on — hopefully so he doesn’t get cold, not so that he can leave soon. He stretches his arms over his head and Minhyuk ogles him, and winks lasciviously when Hyungwon glances back and catches him. At that, Hyungwon rolls his eyes, but not meanly, and makes his way over to the dining table to get the wine.

Damn, Minhyuk feels great. Nothing could ruin this night. “Alexa, play Mariah Carey’s greatest hits,” he says loudly, rolling around in bed, and Alexa obediently follows his command, starting strong with We Belong Together — very fitting. While Minhyuk is rolling around, he hears a quiet buzz-chime from the floor, and gets what Minhyuks are wont to get: a sneaky little idea. What could be a better surprise for Hyungwon than finding adorable selfies from his new boyfriend on his phone later? He glances at the kitchen to confirm Hyungwon isn’t on his way back with the wine yet, and he’s not, currently fiddling around in the pockets of his trench coat to find something. So Minhyuk slithers to the edge of the bed and fishes Hyungwon’s phone out of the pocket of his pants, and swipes the lock screen to the side to access the camera.

He’s five selfies in and feeling very pleased with himself when the phone buzzes in his hand with a new message. Reflexively, Minhyuk swipes out of the camera and back to the lock screen. He sees the text before he can remember that this isn’t his phone, but once he does remember, it doesn’t even matter: he loves snooping more than he loves most things in life. It’s from someone in Hyungwon’s phone as simply “ck,” and the text says: _did you do it yet_ 😝

Minhyuk frowns a little. How is it fair that Minhyuk was supposed to keep their encounter a secret, but Hyungwon is telling all his friends what he’s up to? Still, he can’t help but be flattered that Hyungwon had told anyone about Minhyuk — and that he’d wanted to have sex with him, no less — so he looks up from the phone screen with a cheeky smile, feet kicking around in good-natured delight, and freezes.

He freezes, because standing right at the foot of the bed is Hyungwon with a gun, screwing what is undeniably a silencer onto the tip. Hyungwon freezes, too, his deer eyes caught in the headlights, and Minhyuk lets the phone slip out of his hands and plonk onto the floor. “So… no wine?” Minhyuk says, wincing.

Hyungwon resumes moving and finishes screwing the silencer on, that startled expression totally gone from his face. He now looks like a totally different person, cold and calculating in a very different way than he’d been before. Why is it kinda sexy? “That’s safe to assume.”

“Oh, man,” Minhyuk sighs, staying where he is just in case sudden movements will make Hyungwon pop him off. “It cost a whole twenty bucks.”

“Yeah, well,” Hyungwon says neutrally, “ _this_ cost a whole lot more, so.” He raises the gun and Minhyuk’s fight-or-flight belatedly kicks in and sends him scrambling back to the headboard of the bed, gasping.

“Wait! Are you here to kill me?”

Hyungwon looks down at the gun and then at Minhyuk. “No,” he says, like a liar.

“Aw, shit, you _are,”_ Minhyuk whimpers sadly, and being whiny and annoying probably isn’t helping his case, but this man just fucked him and saw Minhyuk at his best! How could he want to destroy such cuteness? “Why? What did I ever do to you?”

“Are you serious,” Hyungwon asks flatly. “It’s not _me._ You have your job, I have mine.”

“Whoa, an assassin,” Minhyuk says. His heart is beating so hard and he can barely breathe. He supposes that explains a lot — the fake name, the suspicious circumstances of the date, the way Hyungwon tried to strangle him while they were fucking. The gun in his pocket, how tense he’d been about Minhyuk touching his coat. Those flowers are probably poisonous as fuck, too. Jeez, and he’d been so pleased with himself for finding the only good guy in town. Why is he such a dummy? “Um— maybe we can talk this out! Come to an arrangement! Who are you working for?”

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything at first, but then, a moment later, he begins to smile. Humorlessly, mockingly, without even a shred of pity. “Who are _you_ working for?”

Minhyuk doesn’t get it at all. “I don’t—” But then, all of a sudden, it _hits_ him, and he gasps even louder. “Hui!”

“So much for being good at seeing patterns,” Hyungwon shrugs and cocks back the safety.

But by now Minhyuk is too busy connecting all the dots to panic about possibly getting murdered anymore. Hui — of course! How didn’t he see it sooner? They’re not _losing money_ on a client, Hui is _intentionally laundering money._ Minhyuk had done so much digging into the issue, but kept getting distracted right before making any final breakthroughs. And the timeline of his snooping — ostensibly for the good of the firm! — lines up exactly with Hui’s sudden personality change. That explains all the expensive art in Hui’s office, as well as the shady meetings, and the way he’d asked Minhyuk to keep his findings to himself until Hui could coordinate with the client in question. Shit. Shit, shit. Minhyuk had just wanted to help, and now he’s going to get killed for his kindness. …Unless? “Wait!” Minhyuk blurts out, holding his hands out in front of himself. “Come _on,_ Hyungwon, this is _so_ mean— you can’t kill me while I’m naked! That’s so undignified!”

Hyungwon stares at him. “Are you serious?”

“Please,” Minhyuk wheedles. “Just let me put a robe on or something, I don’t want the cops seeing my ass! They don’t deserve it! Do you think the cops deserve to see my ass, Hyungwon? Do you?”

Hyungwon’s stare sharpens and his jaw is tight. Not like he’s mad, though. Almost like he’s trying not to laugh. Or is that just wishful thinking? “Fine,” he says, gesturing with the gun. “Hurry up.”

“Thank you,” Minhyuk says and scrambles out of bed in the direction of his wardrobe. A fearful glance over his shoulder confirms that Hyungwon has followed after him, but luckily, Minhyuk was expecting that, and he has a plan up his nonexistent sleeve. Between the bed and the wardrobe is the fireplace, and, hoping that Hyungwon’s reflexes are as sleepy as he looks, Minhyuk quickly grabs a fireplace poker from the stand next to it and whirls around, wielding it like a sword in front of himself. “Get back!”

“Who brings a poker to a gunfight?” Hyungwon says, eyebrows raised, but backs up warily anyway. “What are you even going to _do_ with that?”

“Poke you,” Minhyuk says defensively. “You know. Because you’re hot. Yow.”

Hyungwon’s lips twitch for just a moment. It’s fitting, of course, that Minhyuk can only do his best pun work when his life is in danger. “And you’re still naked,” he points out.

“Please don’t kill me,” Minhyuk whines nudely, all but stomping his foot. In fact, he stomps it for good measure as soon as he’s had that thought. “I haven’t done anything from my bucket list! I’m only… a jolly and youthful mid-20s age that I won’t specify! Way too young to die when I didn’t even do anything _wrong.”_

“There’s a lot at stake,” Hyungwon says. Is that wishful thinking yet again, or does he seem to be wavering in his resolve? Minhyuk thinks he might see a crack in the façade, so he braves on:

“I know, but I’m not a snitch at all! I wasn’t even going to tell anyone! I didn’t tell Kihyun, and he’s my bestie! You can ask him if you want,” he offers, making Bambi eyes. “I can pretend I never saw anything. I can quit my job. I don’t really care about it! It’s totally fine! And nobody will ever hear from me again!” Hyungwon, still with a gun, doesn’t say anything, so Minhyuk tries coming at it from a different angle, at this point just throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what’ll stick: “Hui really hired you to kill me? I thought he and I were friends!” That’s Minhyuk’s second patent-pending strategy: leaning heavily on the pity factor. He pouts, puffing his lower lip out just a touch, and looks down, seemingly hesitant and sad. “And… I mean… does that mean that you never even really liked me?…”

“C’mon, Minhyuk, don’t do that,” Hyungwon says, frowning.

“That’s a no, isn’t it,” Minhyuk sniffles. “I knew it. I’ll never find true love. Kihyun was right— there’s clearly something wrong with me, nobody would voluntarily go on a date with me without ulterior motives. You know what—” He tosses the fireplace poker to the floor and sniffles again, so loudly that it’s audible even over the clatter of metal on hardwood. “Kill me now,” he demands. “If I’m not going to find love, and if I’m just not meant to have a loving husband and 2.5 kids and an ugly little weenie dog to ruin all our Christmas card pictures by sneezing, I’d rather die while I’m still sexy.”

“Minhyuk,” Hyungwon sighs. His gun hand lowers just slightly — he’s really wavering! This is working! Minhyuk’s pulse quickens. “Stop. You’re a great guy with a lot to offer.”

“But you don’t think so,” Minhyuk says mournfully. “You would never look twice at me if you weren’t hired to kill me. You think I’m disgusting, don’t you? You hate me? I bet you’d kill me for free.”

“Maybe, but not for the reasons you think,” Hyungwon mutters. “Jesus, you talk a lot.”

“I just like you,” Minhyuk says, quiet. “I really do. It sucks that the first nice hot guy I’ve met in literal years is a _hired killer_ and also a filthy _liar._ ”

Hyungwon splutters. “Well— you’re no angel, either! I _know_ you didn’t cook that dinner yourself! I watched you buy it from the Thai place downstairs!”

“Well, yeah, because I wanted to _impress_ you, not _kill you!”_ Minhyuk snaps back, putting his hands on his hips. Hyungwon makes a face that says, _fair enough._ But what he’d said gives Minhyuk pause, and he frowns. “Wait. You have surveillance on me?”

“Uh, yeah, obviously,” Hyungwon says. “It’s just me tonight, though. I don’t like getting watched while I work, it gives me, like… performance anxiety.”

Minhyuk smirks and lets his eyes twinkle at him. “Really? I thought you did just fine.”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes, but this time, it’s too late for him to hide his smile, and Minhyuk’s heart leaps again with hope. “You are the most obnoxious person in the world,” Hyungwon tells him.

“Thank you,” Minhyuk says and does a little curtsy. “Will it help if I shut up?”

“No,” Hyungwon says.

Minhyuk, putting in an immense amount of effort, doesn’t say anything in response, just stares at Hyungwon mutely. Hyungwon raises his eyebrows, and Minhyuk raises his eyebrows, too, and Hyungwon tilts his head to the side, and Minhyuk mirrors him, still without saying anything, and Hyungwon frowns. “This is freaking me out,” Hyungwon says. Minhyuk refuses to answer. “Minhyuk. Come on. This is weird.”

 _So?_ Minhyuk mouths at him, shrugging.

“Definitely not helping,” Hyungwon says. Somehow, Minhyuk hadn’t noticed, but he’d lowered the gun almost fully — now, he notices because Hyungwon starts raising it again, and Minhyuk scrambles:

“Okay, okay, I’ll talk! I’ll talk as much as you want! I know a lot of tongue twisters! Peter Piper picked a puck of peckled pip— fuck, wait, can I try again? Or give me words, I’ll spell them wrong, I’ve lost every spelling bee I’ve ever participated in. I’ll say literally anything you want me to. But you know what I _won’t_ say? That my boss has been laundering money and that I know about it! I’ll take that secret to my grave! Just… hopefully 80 years from now, and not tonight, after such a great date,” he finishes, making his biggest pleading eyes at Hyungwon.

Hyungwon’s face is screwed up like he’s about to sneeze. His expression darkens, he mutters “fuck” under his breath, and lowers the gun stiffly, clicking the safety back on. “I can’t,” he huffs. “I can’t do it. It would be like shooting a kitten.”

“Nya,” Minhyuk says triumphantly.

Hyungwon almost looks like he’s changed his mind, adjusting his grip on the gun, but he shakes his head and frowns so hard it must be painful. “So what the fuck do I do?” he asks. “This has never happened to me before. I’m great at my job. What’s the protocol?”

“Why are you asking _me?”_ Minhyuk says. It should probably be scary that Hyungwon has killed presumably a lot of people, but it’s unfortunately only making him even more absurdly attractive to Minhyuk. “Um, I really don’t know. I don’t _actually_ want to quit my job and never see anyone again. Hey, what if we snitched on Hui to the feds and then we’d both be off the hook?”

“That’s not how this works,” Hyungwon mumbles, visibly fighting a smile. “But… maybe we can figure something out before they send someone else.”

“Okay!” Minhyuk chirps, then frowns suddenly. “Wait. Send someone _else?_ To kill me? Come on, I know I can talk my way out of anything, but that just seems excessive!”

Hyungwon shrugs and heads for the bed to recover his phone and pull his pants back on, then tuck the gun into the waistband. “It might be a good idea to get out of town,” he says. “If you have any friends and family on the other side of the planet, maybe give them a visit. A _long_ visit.”

“But my local Starbucks is doing karaoke nights all next month,” Minhyuk whines, but silences himself when Hyungwon throws him a disapproving look. “Ugh. This is the worst.”

“Couldn’t it be worse? You could be dead,” Hyungwon points out. He’s now going back to the door to get his trench coat and shoes. “All I’m saying is, consider it, for your own safety. The next one they send definitely won’t be as nice as me.”

“Well, duh, you’re _really_ nice,” Minhyuk says, watching him. “You can’t put in a good word? A character reference? _Target is great at sucking dick and poses no threat to our operation?”_

“Doesn’t work like that, either,” Hyungwon says. He checks his pockets to make sure he didn’t forget anything and comes back in Minhyuk’s direction, and Minhyuk glances quickly at the fireplace poker on the floor just in case Hyungwon tries anything, but he doesn’t, he just goes over to the window. “Just keep your head down, then. Don’t snoop any more at work. Don’t tell Kihyun anything. Mind your own business, and make sure it’s business as usual. Take it from me, that’s the best way to not get killed.”

“Okay,” Minhyuk mumbles glumly, thinking privately that that sounds super boring. Hyungwon is unlatching his window and easing it up once it’s open, then sitting on the windowsill and swinging one leg over.

“And don’t contact me,” Hyungwon adds. “I thought of a way to justify why I didn’t kill you tonight, but if you contact me, it’s totally blown. I'm serious.”

“Okay,” Minhyuk mumbles even more glumly.

There’s a very light smile on Hyungwon’s face and he starts putting his other leg over the windowsill. “You’ll be fine.”

“Promise?” Minhyuk sniffs.

“Definitely not.”

Minhyuk scowls and crosses his arms in a huff. Of course the most perfect man in the world is a mysterious assassin sent to annihilate him. Still, Minhyuk thinks, it’ll make a really cute story to tell their four to five grandchildren. Hyungwon braces his hands on the windowsill to either side of himself, preparing, and Minhyuk blurts out, “Wait!”

Hyungwon pauses and looks back at him. “What?”

“Can we do this again sometime?” Minhyuk asks, batting his eyelashes as hard as he can.

Hyungwon turns his face away, but Minhyuk can tell that he’s smiling. “No,” he says like a liar, and jumps out of the window. 

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/paratazxis) / [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/paratazxis) / [snl sketch (guys it's so funny u wont regret it)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_n_wrftIYM) / haha hyungwon is a LOVE KILLA get it
> 
> fun fact while they were doing surveillance on minhyuk, changkyun (the 'ck' in hyungwon's phone) definitely developed a huge long-distance obsession/infatuation with kihyun, because i am a dumb bitch with terrible taste who will never change or improve, and that is a promise. another fun fact: hyungwon's flowers are oleander, the most poisonous flower in the world jzkjdbfksj.
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!!!! i had literally SO much fun writing this and i feel like it really unlocked a lot of my creative brain again so thank you soooo much to ayesha for commissioning me :'''))) that wraps up my commissions this round, but maybe i'll do them again sometime, who knows! anyway, now on to even more evil silly nonsense, so if you liked this, please leave a comment letting me know what u thought (or come chat with me at the links above) and subscribe to moi!!! until then, be wary of any catfish on tinder lest they end up being professional hitmen!! >:3


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